I think many people would be surprised that I am writing this and would not do it if they were in the same situation. However, I deal best with things by talking about them, so here goes.
Friday I suffered my second pregnancy loss in under a year. I am devastated by this. Everything was going along fine with this pregnancy, in stark contrast to the one last fall. At seven weeks, Brian and I went to our first doctor's appointment and saw the heartbeat easily on ultrasound. We felt extremely encouraged, as once you see a fetal heartbeat on ultrasound, there is a less than 10% chance of loss. Well, apparently I am in that crap 10%.
Thursday I had a little spotting, which is not unusual. I called the doctor's office for reassurance, which they provided. However, I woke up Friday, and it was worse and I was beginning to have a little cramping. I was 9 weeks and 5 days. I went to work, but while on break, made a doctor appointment for the afternoon, because I wanted to be checked. I called work and said they needed to get somebody to cover for the afternoon, because I was having an emergency. I split as soon as I could.
I came home and grabbed Brian and by the time we were leaving for the appointment it was getting worse. We made it to the doctor and I was in quite a lot of pain, but it wasn't even as bad as it was last fall. By this point, I knew what was going on. I was expecting to have an ultrasound and be told the fetus wasn't viable and that I would miscarry over the weekend or something. It took about two days of agony last time. Well, this happened so fast, I actually miscarried at the doctor's office, after only an hour or two of severe cramping. I was hysterical and devastated. (I pretty much still am.)
I can take comfort in the fact that at least Brian was with me and not on the road. I could not have been through that by myself. Also, because I was at the doctor's office, they were able to save everything for testing. Because this has happened to me twice now back to back, they are also going to start testing me to see if I have some discernible issue. I hope they can find something, either treatable or not. I cannot deal with this much more.
This one is harder emotionally than last fall for this reason. It's apparent from the ultrasounds I had last fall that that pregnancy never developed normally. It never had a heartbeat. This one was going along fine, and its heart was beating; it was living inside me. I feel like my body did something to kill it. My only consolation is that it's widely believed that a fetus cannot feel pain until about 6-7 months, so at least my little baby didn't suffer.
The last thing I would say is a lesson for people who have never gone through this. Please DO NOT ask people when they are having children. We get that question from well-meaning but ignorant people, and its starting to wear thin. It's a very hurtful question for people like us who have suffered pregnancy losses, or people who have trouble conceiving. Just don't ask it--you have no idea what people are going through behind their closed doors.
Friday I suffered my second pregnancy loss in under a year. I am devastated by this. Everything was going along fine with this pregnancy, in stark contrast to the one last fall. At seven weeks, Brian and I went to our first doctor's appointment and saw the heartbeat easily on ultrasound. We felt extremely encouraged, as once you see a fetal heartbeat on ultrasound, there is a less than 10% chance of loss. Well, apparently I am in that crap 10%.
Thursday I had a little spotting, which is not unusual. I called the doctor's office for reassurance, which they provided. However, I woke up Friday, and it was worse and I was beginning to have a little cramping. I was 9 weeks and 5 days. I went to work, but while on break, made a doctor appointment for the afternoon, because I wanted to be checked. I called work and said they needed to get somebody to cover for the afternoon, because I was having an emergency. I split as soon as I could.
I came home and grabbed Brian and by the time we were leaving for the appointment it was getting worse. We made it to the doctor and I was in quite a lot of pain, but it wasn't even as bad as it was last fall. By this point, I knew what was going on. I was expecting to have an ultrasound and be told the fetus wasn't viable and that I would miscarry over the weekend or something. It took about two days of agony last time. Well, this happened so fast, I actually miscarried at the doctor's office, after only an hour or two of severe cramping. I was hysterical and devastated. (I pretty much still am.)
I can take comfort in the fact that at least Brian was with me and not on the road. I could not have been through that by myself. Also, because I was at the doctor's office, they were able to save everything for testing. Because this has happened to me twice now back to back, they are also going to start testing me to see if I have some discernible issue. I hope they can find something, either treatable or not. I cannot deal with this much more.
This one is harder emotionally than last fall for this reason. It's apparent from the ultrasounds I had last fall that that pregnancy never developed normally. It never had a heartbeat. This one was going along fine, and its heart was beating; it was living inside me. I feel like my body did something to kill it. My only consolation is that it's widely believed that a fetus cannot feel pain until about 6-7 months, so at least my little baby didn't suffer.
The last thing I would say is a lesson for people who have never gone through this. Please DO NOT ask people when they are having children. We get that question from well-meaning but ignorant people, and its starting to wear thin. It's a very hurtful question for people like us who have suffered pregnancy losses, or people who have trouble conceiving. Just don't ask it--you have no idea what people are going through behind their closed doors.
2 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss. I do hope that something comes out of all the testing they will do, either good or bad to put your mind at ease. Not that anything will make the hurt go away right now, but I just wanted to shed a little hope for you. One of my best friends had 7 miscarriages and had gone on to have 3 healthy beautiful children afterwards. You and Brian are in my prayers and it's ok to mourn, it is even helpful. I know how difficult it must be for you. Just remember to not take this situation personally. You are a beautiful wonderful woman and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.
Ugh. Yeah, I can see how hearing the heartbeat of this one would make it much worse! I think about losing baby Hunt right now after I've seen her little face on the ultrasound and now horrible it would be. I feel for you.
I wish there was something that I could do to make you feel better! I am encouraged by knowing that Brian is an amazing person who will take good care of you at this time.
Love ya girlie!
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