So, last Sunday my friend C and I went to Babies R Us to buy numerous baby gifts. Everyone is pregnant right now! I had to buy a gift for Brian's brother and his girlfriend, and my cousin out in Pennsylvania. They are both due in 2-3 months. I'm happy for them, but it's also hard for me (and my friend C, for that matter). Brian and I had a bit of a setback in the baby department last fall, and we haven't quite hit the point where we can try again. Several months ago, going to Babies R Us would have been torture, but now I can do it just fine. I'm fine, but I go in the store and start looking at all the baby stuff, and start thinking, "If I hadn't lost the baby, I'd be buying baby stuff for us right now," oh woe is me, etc.
I know that things happen for a reason, but almost 4 months later, I still find myself looking on the internet for hours at a time, trying to figure out what I did wrong, or if I had just had one less cup of caffeinated tea... (there is a big new study out saying that even small amounts of caffeine greatly increases one's risk of miscarriage). But I know that's not true--when I lost the pregnancy, my doctor told me straight out that most likely it was just a very normal thing, something was probably genetically wrong with the fetus, and it could never have lived. It never developed a heartbeat. In that respect, because it never had a heartbeat, I do feel a little better about it. I don't feel so much like it was the death of an actual baby, I feel more like it was a loss of opportunity, you know? I'm just still so sad about it sometimes. We want children very much, and I feel like I let Brian down or something (he has never said that or even indicated he feels that--just the opposite actually). And I'm scared to try again when it's time, very fearful that it will happen again.
A final point I'd like to make is that I wish people wouldn't ask others, "So when are you going to have kids?" That is the worst question. A few couples asked us that after we miscarried, not knowing, and I got the task of answering, "Well, actually, we just lost a pregnancy, thanks for asking." What a rude question! We were really open about what happened, but most people aren't, I'd say, so just be aware that you never know what's going on in someone's personal, married life, and their reasons for not having kids yet. So, be a bit more sensitive. And try to have fun if you have to go to Babies R Us.
3 comments:
I totally agree with you about the "When are you having kids?" question. I totally wondered, "What if the person they asked had a miscarriage???" I have felt the need to scream, "I'm barren!!!" whenever someone asked me. Argh.
Girl, so many women have miscarriages their first time. My cousin did and now she's having two babies less than two years apart. And our friends were having trouble conceiving, had what they thought was their one and only baby, and then got pregnant again just a few months after they had their first baby. So don't worry--once you get started, it probably won't stop. :)
AMH
I didn't even know. I'm sorry girl. I know a lot of people who miscarry on their first. You didn't do anything wrong. Hugs...
Having a miscarriage is one of the toughest thing any woman can go through. You didn't do anything wrong! Don't blame yourself or it could really damage you, I speak from experience. Keep your chin up and lean on each other for support, and know it just wasn't the time YET....
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