I haven't posted in a while, and by the title of this blog, I'm sure you can all guess why. Yes, it is true, I am having yet another miscarriage. This makes 3 in a row, and Brian and I are now officially classified as suffering from "recurrent miscarriage." This is something that 1% or less of couples ever suffer from, and is defined as having 3 miscarriages in a row.
We found out for sure last Wednesday (day before Thanksgiving) that this pregnancy wasn't viable. Improper growth, and loss of fetal heart tones that had been detected 2 weeks earlier. Apparently, progesterone and baby aspirin didn't help me as they seem to help others. We ended up staying home from Thanksgiving, as I didn't know what was going to happen when, and I also, quite honestly, would have a hard time being around certain family members who can't seem to STOP having children when they should, when Brian and I can't seem to have one to save our lives.
So, we are currently in a waiting game. I've not yet actually "lost" the pregnancy, and honestly, I just wish I would. I just want this nightmare over with, I'm not at work right now (although I found out there are no deps this month anyway, so I wouldn't be working in any case). My OB has said she'd give me two weeks (its been 1 week today), and then I have to have a D&C, which I am terrified of. As much as it hurts physically to lose the pregnancy naturally, emotionally, I do not relish the thought of having an invasive medical procedure that would feel way too much like having an abortion.
My OB also wants me to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist, but also admitted to me that she doesn't know what they'll do for me, because all the tests they can do (as far as she knows) have already been run. And from what I can tell from my research, she's correct. But I guess I'm willing to go and see what a specialist has to say. But if they tell me that all they can do is monitor me every week if I decide to try again, I don't know what I'll do about that. I do not know how many times I can put myself through this. Honestly, with this one, I'm not really even crying, I feel cried out. Also, emotionally right now I am more pissed off and frustrated than anything else. And that's the thing--going through all this is making me not even excited to try again, not even excited anymore to "have" a baby. And I don't want to feel that way. I think I may be ready to get off the roller coaster, at least for awhile, depending on what a specialist says. I think Brian is somewhat disappointed to hear that from me, but he has to know that no matter how hard this is on him, its 100 times harder on me.
So, I just wanted to get this piece of information out there, so people know what's going on with us and why we may be acting weird for awhile yet. And why we may need some time. Although right now we are taking it day by day, depending on how I feel.
Thanks for reading, everybody.
We found out for sure last Wednesday (day before Thanksgiving) that this pregnancy wasn't viable. Improper growth, and loss of fetal heart tones that had been detected 2 weeks earlier. Apparently, progesterone and baby aspirin didn't help me as they seem to help others. We ended up staying home from Thanksgiving, as I didn't know what was going to happen when, and I also, quite honestly, would have a hard time being around certain family members who can't seem to STOP having children when they should, when Brian and I can't seem to have one to save our lives.
So, we are currently in a waiting game. I've not yet actually "lost" the pregnancy, and honestly, I just wish I would. I just want this nightmare over with, I'm not at work right now (although I found out there are no deps this month anyway, so I wouldn't be working in any case). My OB has said she'd give me two weeks (its been 1 week today), and then I have to have a D&C, which I am terrified of. As much as it hurts physically to lose the pregnancy naturally, emotionally, I do not relish the thought of having an invasive medical procedure that would feel way too much like having an abortion.
My OB also wants me to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist, but also admitted to me that she doesn't know what they'll do for me, because all the tests they can do (as far as she knows) have already been run. And from what I can tell from my research, she's correct. But I guess I'm willing to go and see what a specialist has to say. But if they tell me that all they can do is monitor me every week if I decide to try again, I don't know what I'll do about that. I do not know how many times I can put myself through this. Honestly, with this one, I'm not really even crying, I feel cried out. Also, emotionally right now I am more pissed off and frustrated than anything else. And that's the thing--going through all this is making me not even excited to try again, not even excited anymore to "have" a baby. And I don't want to feel that way. I think I may be ready to get off the roller coaster, at least for awhile, depending on what a specialist says. I think Brian is somewhat disappointed to hear that from me, but he has to know that no matter how hard this is on him, its 100 times harder on me.
So, I just wanted to get this piece of information out there, so people know what's going on with us and why we may be acting weird for awhile yet. And why we may need some time. Although right now we are taking it day by day, depending on how I feel.
Thanks for reading, everybody.
3 comments:
Heather - you have such strength and you guys are definitely in our thoughts and prayers. -Candace
I'm here for you, girl.
Just wanted to reach out and give you a cyber hug!{{HUGS}}
-JEss
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