Brighter Times

I am beginning to really feel better. I was at the doctor today, and everything looks good. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, though. I have to go to the lab in the morning and have 10 vials of blood drawn for 10 different tests to check for common and uncommon cause of miscarriage. I will tolerate having all this blood drawn (one of my least tolerable things) so we can try to get to the bottom of this issue. I have to go in the morning because 2 of the tests the doctor is running are chromosome tests on me, and they have to be done and picked up by noon for immediate shipment. I'm very glad these tests are being done, but the doctor told me that, honestly, she doesn't expect to find anything. She thinks that because I'm young and healthy, she has a feeling that I'm one of these unlucky folks for which they can't find a reason. But at least we'll look.

We did talk about the progesterone issue, which is something I've found in my own personal research. When I was tested last fall during the first miscarriage, my level was 3.8, which by my research is quite low. The doctor agreed that it's low, but it's one of those issues that the medical community can't agree on. Is the level low because I was miscarrying, or was I miscarrying because the level was low? I asked about progesterone supplements for when we try again (providing that no other issue is found). The doctor said she's not a "strong believer" in it, but she certainly prescribes it for people because it doesn't hurt anything. So, when the time comes, I'll be going on that. So, that's what my status is right now. I just want this blood drawn so the tests can start coming back.

Also, my birthday was Friday, and it was good. I'm mentioning this so I can give a shout out to my friend A, who is a frequent reader of this blog and sent me the most awesome birthday card ever that I received today and was exactly what I needed. It is homemade and tells a story of me being a hottie, and everyone from Sawyer from LOST to Matt Damon wanting me. AND it has a picture of Pete Sampras on the cover. A is awesome and creative, and I love it. I have really good friends.

In Mourning

I think many people would be surprised that I am writing this and would not do it if they were in the same situation. However, I deal best with things by talking about them, so here goes.

Friday I suffered my second pregnancy loss in under a year. I am devastated by this. Everything was going along fine with this pregnancy, in stark contrast to the one last fall. At seven weeks, Brian and I went to our first doctor's appointment and saw the heartbeat easily on ultrasound. We felt extremely encouraged, as once you see a fetal heartbeat on ultrasound, there is a less than 10% chance of loss. Well, apparently I am in that crap 10%.

Thursday I had a little spotting, which is not unusual. I called the doctor's office for reassurance, which they provided. However, I woke up Friday, and it was worse and I was beginning to have a little cramping. I was 9 weeks and 5 days. I went to work, but while on break, made a doctor appointment for the afternoon, because I wanted to be checked. I called work and said they needed to get somebody to cover for the afternoon, because I was having an emergency. I split as soon as I could.

I came home and grabbed Brian and by the time we were leaving for the appointment it was getting worse. We made it to the doctor and I was in quite a lot of pain, but it wasn't even as bad as it was last fall. By this point, I knew what was going on. I was expecting to have an ultrasound and be told the fetus wasn't viable and that I would miscarry over the weekend or something. It took about two days of agony last time. Well, this happened so fast, I actually miscarried at the doctor's office, after only an hour or two of severe cramping. I was hysterical and devastated. (I pretty much still am.)

I can take comfort in the fact that at least Brian was with me and not on the road. I could not have been through that by myself. Also, because I was at the doctor's office, they were able to save everything for testing. Because this has happened to me twice now back to back, they are also going to start testing me to see if I have some discernible issue. I hope they can find something, either treatable or not. I cannot deal with this much more.

This one is harder emotionally than last fall for this reason. It's apparent from the ultrasounds I had last fall that that pregnancy never developed normally. It never had a heartbeat. This one was going along fine, and its heart was beating; it was living inside me. I feel like my body did something to kill it. My only consolation is that it's widely believed that a fetus cannot feel pain until about 6-7 months, so at least my little baby didn't suffer.

The last thing I would say is a lesson for people who have never gone through this. Please DO NOT ask people when they are having children. We get that question from well-meaning but ignorant people, and its starting to wear thin. It's a very hurtful question for people like us who have suffered pregnancy losses, or people who have trouble conceiving. Just don't ask it--you have no idea what people are going through behind their closed doors.

Runnin' Down a Dream

Saturday night was a big night. Brian took me to see Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers at the Palace. I love Tom Petty. "Full Moon Fever" came out when I was 10 and it was the first album I have in my consciousness. What I mean is that I remember when that record came out, I remember it as a whole album, not just a song or two. I know all the words to every song on it, and I think it is one of the best records ever. And Tom Petty is one of the best recording artists ever. So I was very excited for Saturday.

We went to the show with my parents, which, to some, may sound lame, but my mom has good taste in music, so she appreciated being asked. We had dinner with them at a very good Mexican restaurant in Lake Orion called Sagebrush Cantina. If you are ever over there and have the chance to go, eat there. It was absolutely delicious food. After dinner, we drove the 6 miles to the Palace and got ready to watch the opening act.

Steve Winwood was the "special guest", and he was very good, I must say. However, it was the longest opening act I've ever seen. He played for an hour! Usually the opener lasts no longer than 30-45 minutes. Then, the freakin' intermission was 50 minutes. So, it was almost 10 p.m. by the time Tom took the stage.

But it was worth the wait. He sounded great, and did tons of classic songs. He did four off "Full Moon Fever," the big 4 as I call them: "Runnin' Down a Dream," "Free Fallin'," "I Won't Back Down," and "Face in the Crowd." He did old songs like "Refugee," "American Girl," and "The Waiting." He did newer stuff like "Mary Jane's Last Dance" and a couple off the "Wildflowers" album. He even did a Traveling Wilburys tune. (For those who don't know, the Traveling Wilburys was a supergroup consisting of Petty, George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Bob Dylan, and Roy Orbison.) He played for about an hour and 20-25 minutes, and then did a 2 song encore. Very enjoyable evening.

So, overall, my humble review of the show was that it was great. But I would have liked 3 slight changes: 1) 15 minutes less Steve Winwood (even though he was great too) 2) 15 minutes more Tom Petty and 3) less intermission!

These Deps are Funny

So, I thought I'd give you an idea of what I do all day at work. I'm doing depositions in asbestos litigation, as a defense attorney. Basically, when people allege that asbestos has made them sick, they file a lawsuit. At some point, their deposition is taken, which means 25 of us defense attorneys sit around in a room and ask them questions. It's not hard work.

The best part of doing these deps are the things that some of these folks say. Like the older gentleman who told us he had three children from his two marriages. Later in the dep, one of the other attorneys questioned that, thinking there were more. Turns out he had ELEVEN children total, 3 from his marriages and EIGHT from outside marriages. He didn't tell us about those kids because he didn't think we'd think they were important. Also, one day we deposed a wife and then the husband. When we asked the wife when they were married, she couldn't say and said "Oh my goodness, don't tell my husband." It was so funny. We ended up accidentally ratting her out when he asked her husband the question, and he knew immediately. We all ended up laughing and had to tell him why.

The best of all the things I've heard though was a guy who had worked for DTE in the 1970's and 1980's. When he quit DTE, he went to San Francisco for a few years. Part of the questions we ask in these deps are simple background questions, but a very important question that's asked if the person ever used tobacco products (hard for them to claim lung problems from asbestos if they've been a pack a day smoker for 40 years). This gentleman was asked if he ever smoked a pipe, he asked, HONEST TO GOD, "What kind of pipe?" We all immediately looked at each other and after the dep was over, asked each other if he meant a crack pipe or a bong pipe.

Later in the dep, we were going through his medical history, and he stated he'd have to have surgery on his nose years ago because he kept getting nosebleeds. But he couldn't say what the surgery was for. Keep in mind, earlier in the dep, he had stated that when he went to San Francisco, his health was not great, because "he didn't take very good care of himself." Okay, now tell me that that nose surgery wasn't to repair the damage he'd done by snorting cocaine. We all died afterwards.

Sometimes the deps are sad though. When the person who was sick has already died, we depose the personal representative of the estate, usually an adult child. And more often than not, these children know absolutely nothing about what their parents did at work, or even where they worked. A lot of times, they know nothing about their parent's (usually the father) own parents, don't even know what their grandparents names were, or where they were born. Frequently, these kids don't even know if their own parent had cancer or heart problems. It is so depressing, it makes you want to ask if they even knew their parents at all. And, sadly enough, the answer is, probably not. They're just in it for the money.

But, that's what I do all day. Sit around and listen to people's crazy life stories, and occasionally ask a few relevant questions. Easy!

Family Strife

So, unfortunately, my grandfather is not doing well. Many of you already know that he has bi-polar disorder, and was diagnosed with that almost 17 years ago, the summer I was 12. He had a complete break that summer, and was institutionalized for a long time that summer. At that time, he was put on lithium (a heavy duty anti-psychotic). The lithium worked well for him for about 15 years. However, about 2 years ago, he started showing signs that it was not working for him anymore. He would not sleep for days on end, get extremely excitable, and have screaming fits towards my grandmother. His doctors decided to try different meds, ones that had come onto the market more recently. The upshot is that none of them have worked for more than a few months at at time.

In the past year, he has had to be institutionalized again 3 times. The mental problems are starting to affect him physically. He will not eat, and currently weighs a whopping 120 pounds (and is about 5'9"). He got out of the psych ward earlier this spring and my grandma wanted to take him out to their cabin in Pennsylvania, near my aunt. They should not have gone.

A couple of weeks ago, he took off on their golf cart for several hours. My grandmother, who is not handling this situation well, didn't call the police or anything. She called my mother and my uncle to ask for advice. They both basically said, "What are you calling us for? We're 500 miles away, call the damn cops." Well, he came back 3 hours later, after having driven his golf cart NINE MILES into town and back on the highway to buy flowers. My grandma basically said, oh well. It's almost as if she wants him to get hit in the road so she won't have to deal with it anymore.

Well, his doctors here in Michigan told Grandma that he needed to be institutionalized again. So, on that Sunday, my aunt and cousin who live out there tried to get him in the car to take him to a psych ward in Scranton. Before they could, he locked himself in the shed, threatening to kill himself. The cops had to be called, and he was forcefully taken away in an ambulance. He's been in the ward ever since.

This situation is causing major strife in my family, between my grandma and my mom and her siblings. Already, factions are forming, and people are getting angry. There is a lot of resentment towards my grandmother because she is not making the best decisions. Also, my mom and uncles, who live here in Michigan, really resent my aunt out east because she has not come to help them with the situation, and somewhat wanted not to have to make those tough decisions because she wanted to be "the good child," or his favorite for once in her life. Well, now that he's out there, she's finally just realizing what most of us here have known for years: that this situation sucks and has no good solutions. She's having a fit over the way he's behaving, but the fact is that we've been dealing with this for 2 years now. At Thanksgiving last year, which was here at Brian's and my house, he could barely stand up and was incomprehensible. This has been an almost constant thing.

I have my opinions on the subject, the main one being that he should never leave the hospital. He's threatening violence and is in very bad physical shape. My mom doesn't want to accept this, and and I understand. It's her father. But no matter what happens, I am very worried what this could do to our family. I do not want this to split us apart forever.

I am PO'ed

Okay, this is why. As I discussed previously, I have started a new job, covering deps in asbestos litigation. The work itself is fine. I have to attend depositions in Bingham Farms and Saginaw. The problem is that I feel as though the firm that hired me through Kelly Services misled me. Also, they are not paying me fairly I feel for this work.

Here's the deal. First of all, I can only charge for my exact time sitting in the dep itself and my time afterwards to do the reports I have to complete. I cannot charge at all for my travel time, which is crap. All the other attorneys in the room get to, I've been told that repeatedly. I get money for my mileage, but not my actual time in the car. Again, the other attorneys get to charge this. Also, this firm will not let me charge for my prep time, so I have to eat that. I was told that it takes no prep, but I prepare for everything, even if just for a few minutes. This is also bullshit because many of the other attorneys get to charge a standard hour for prep time. Basically, the other attorneys are telling me I'm getting ripped off.

The worst thing, however, is that I am not adequately compensated for times when depositions cancel. For example, today I got up and drove to Saginaw. I left my house at about 8:15. I had deps at 10 and 2. So, I get there at 9:30 just to be told a half hour later that the plaintiff didn't show up and the dep was canceled. So, I get to hang around Saginaw all day until 2 and do nothing until my next dep. My entire morning was wasted, and I get to charge a whopping half and hour it (the time I spent waiting). And the afternoon dep went, but it lasted 2 hours (pretty average) and it took me a half an hour to do my reports. So, for being gone from my house all day, I get paid for 3 hours of work (I made $66 bucks). I also will get my mileage, but in my mind, that doesn't count. That's for wear and tear on your car and for gas money. I was told that this could happen, but I was led to believe it was "occasionally." This is the third time this has happened in a month. Huge stinking waste of my time.

I feel that this is BS. So does my rep at Kelly Services. She is working on this firm, but they are not budging. They keep saying, "Our client won't pay." But the fact is that this firm is charging 5 or 6 times what they are paying me to the client. Basically, they are making a HUGE profit off me. If this cancellation crap happens much more and they don't compensate me, I think I may quit this assignment. It gets to the point where what little I'm making isn't worth the aggravation. I'm basically truly making about $10 an hour. That is ridiculous. I'd be better off working retail.

Flashbacks of Youth

So, today I had to go to Saginaw for my temp job for the first time. When they have plaintiffs that live up north, they hold the dep at SVSU so these folks don't have to come all the way down to Bingham Farms. So, today, I had a 10:00 am dep at SVSU's campus.

I printed myself directions yesterday, even though I basically knew how to get there. I printed the directions so I would be sure of what exit to take, and which ways to turn. The google map directions said to go up 75 to exit 154 towards Zilwaukee. Off I went this morning. I left before 8 am to make sure that I would have plenty of time. The map said it would take about an hour and 15 minutes and I like to leave myself plenty of time.

The first flashback came as I was approaching Saginaw. Signs began brightly proclaiming "I-75 Northbound closed down at Zilwaukee Bridge!" I immediately began to panic slightly, as the exit my directions provided was AFTER the Z-bridge (as those of us who grew up in that area call it). "Crap, crap, crap," I thought. "Where do I go?" Then, I actually come upon the detour, and realize its 675. "Oh, duh," I thought. "Of course, you know where you're going! You only made this drive probably once a week on average for several years of your teenage life. Take the Titabawasee Road exit and make a left to Bay Road, then make a right!" Big dummy.

So, I exit off at Titabawasee and make my left. And suddenly, the memories were overwhelming. Memories of coming to go to good old Fashion Square Mall (which sucks), out to eat (same old chain restaurants, but we had to go 45 minutes to get to them), and actually going to SVSU for class my senior year. It was warm today, and I remembered coming to the movies with A (who is a frequent reader!) to see "Liar, Liar" in the middle of a school day in early June, because we had perfect attendance and got out of school early. I remember coming to Meijer with H after the Homecoming football game my sophomore year, which was her freshmen year in college. We went to Meijer because it was the only thing open that time of night. And there were so many other times, too.

I was surprised, though. There are new things in the area, but it still looks a little sad. That area is sort of depressed, as is most of the state. SVSU has changed a ton though, it is much bigger and looks very nice!

So that was my day of flashbacks and depositions!